How are you?

Why do we bother to ask each other how the other is doing if we really do not intending on hearing the answer? Case in point:

Imagine two acquaintances or strangers walking in opposite directions, about to pass one another:

Person 1: Hey
Person 2: Hi
Person 1: How’s it going?
Person 2: Good. And you?
Person 1: Good.

The exchange happens while neither stops walking. I don’t know how many times I’ve had this exchange while walking by someone and I wonder, why do we even bother? If neither of us is going to stop walking on our merry ways, then why do we ask questions about our emotional state after the hellos?

I was told once by a British man that this is something people do in the states. He told me that it was something he wasn’t accustomed to while he was here, as when people asked him how he was back at home, it was because they genuinely wanted to know and expected more than a two word answer. Now, I can’t say that this is completely true, as he was just speaking from his experience, but it wasn’t until he brought this up that I actually thought about it and realized that, for me and for what I see around me, it happens quite often.

I know much of this is custom and politeness. You say hello, they say hi. Out of politeness you then ask the other how they are. The words come out of your mouth before you’ve realized it. They answer a short answer, return the question, and expect a similar short answer. It’s almost automatic. It almost seems rude sometimes not to ask how the other person is. And it doesn’t even have to be two people walking in opposite directions. It can be an exchange between a cashier and a customer, a bus driver to a bus rider. It happens all the time. And each time most people are not looking for the real answer, they are just waiting for the short “I’m ok,” “I’m fine,” “I’m good,” “Alright, and you?” These words are heavy with routine. I think in these casual greetings among strangers or acquaintances, if someone actually responded with more than a few words and really told me how they were doing I would be completely caught off guard. I have been caught off guard. But pleasantly surprised. It’s as if in that moment that person has snapped out of the routine back into real life, and regardless of what they say, I am happy they said it and I am more likely to give more than a word or two in response (to a point, that is).

Now, why it is always the other person to break the routine and not me, I can’t say. With strangers, I have my reasons. With acquaintances, it depends. But, I’ll admit to be one-sided and say that’s not the point. The point is that in that moment when the other person gives a genuine response, I am reminded that we are two people who have the ability to communicate with one another.